i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
