I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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