Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
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we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
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This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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