Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
