Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
