I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
