You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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