i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
