Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
