Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
