My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You have to summon your inner elephant
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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