My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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