allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.