oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why