make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
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he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"