Swine flu. Run for my life!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.