im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.