even my farts smell like vagina
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
