every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today