That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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