Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
