This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
