I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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