ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
