On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
