I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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