Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
