Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
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Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I touched a dick in church today
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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