he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
