i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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