After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
