and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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