are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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