took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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