just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the day after is always just damage control
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
