Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
