So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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