I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
