My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
