He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
