Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
