I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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