Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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