We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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