mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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