We won't sleep together?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
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Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
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Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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