I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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