so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
