I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
ugly people sure do ruin things
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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