It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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