Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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