1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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