Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
