Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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