uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it hurts more in the daytime
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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