I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have fence marks all over my body
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
