i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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