remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
