I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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