I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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