Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
